the Bushmen in the Kalahari Desert are hard to reach. you leave the capital and drive on this motorway for hours, then the road becomes the bush, and you have to drive at 10km/h if you dont wanna get stuck. a baboon crosses the road in front of us, I can hear the elephants playing miles away, the night is approaching and I dont know where I am.

I am not prepared for the shock.

we get taken to the village by a young guy, its night and cold and I dont know what’s gonna happen to me. the village chief comes to me and looks me up and down, the guide says something to him in Afrikaans, my girlfriend asks me one more time if I am sure, if I really want to do this. I nod yes, the guide shakes hands with the chief, my girlfriend kisses me goodbye and leaves with the guide. its only me and the chief, we can only communicate with gestures and I feel lost and the bush around us is dark and intense. then the chief takes my arm and gestures ahead of him, hes taking me to the village to meet his family, at least thats what I understand.  the african night around us is dark blue, millions of living creatures surround us and i feel this bond with the planet, for the first time. the energy is flowing and i cannot stop it, even if i wanted to. i am part of the cycle, i am one with only, i am embedded in this life, for the first time. we walk through the bush, the chief talks in his own language and smiles, hes shorter than me but the strongest man i have ever seen. and then the lights. the village is closer, i can see glare and hear voices and feel the human warmth ahead of me. and then – for the next three days- the pain goes away.

‘talking’ to the people of the village, smoking tobacco, trying the herbs the shaman gave me , greeting the man and his son who’ve just come back from the initiation ritual. the boy has come back a man, they left 5 weeks ago and he had to feed himself, the arch his only weapon to survive in the bush.

and i loose myself in the trance of the music they play. voices in the african night and the hands clapping an obsessive rhythm, the clapping becomes a loop and the head goes in a place it’s never been before. its a warm place, and i am inside and outside my body, aware of whats happening but in a different place. inside and outside. black and white. on and off. the pain goes away and doesnt come back for a few days. the pain i have felt for most of my life, the pain i have tried to heal through self-medication. long sessions of pot-smoking on a terrace overlooking the bay of naples, alcohol flowing in my body through the long english winters, one-night stands with perfect strangers, wild sex on the back of a car on a greek island. the pain never went away. it always came back.

the breeze flows gentle, and i cant feel anything, the fire is still on, but almost estinguished. its almost morning, and i can see for miles and miles ahead. its dawn and i am alone, i am cold but i have never been this happy in my life.

i’ll be crazy not to follow
follow where you lead
your eyes
they turn me

turn me onto phantoms
i follow to the edge
of the earth
and fall off
yeah, everybody leaves
if they get the chance
and this is my chance

i get eaten by the worms
and wierd fishes
picked over by the worms
and wierd fishes
wierd fishes
wierd fishes

yeah i
i hit the bottom
hit the bottom and escape
escape

i
i hit the bottom
hit the bottom and escape
escape

a basement bar, somewhere near the high street. the israeli guy had warned us, there’s more than meets the eye in my bar. so we go, and we stay and chat, the crowd pushes me to the bar, and i follow the flow, could be much worse than this really. i smile at her, she smiles back. what you’re drinking. yeah, i am here for a few days, what do you do. we push back, the crowd takes us in, and then we’re there standing, words buzzing around but I cant really understand. the wall behind her head is clear, the music around us is minimalist and warm, like somebody who touches you tenderly. i bend slightly and kiss her on the lips, you dont have to say a word. she smells nice and i am thinking, i dont want this to end. this moment, here, is all i have. all i have beyond the madness of the world outside.

london, uk, 2003

trans-continental calls in the middle of the night, midday for her. so what you’ve been up to. been out and about, you know, the usual. yes, i have a new girlfriend, shes smart and cute, bit overwhelming at times. yes, life is ok. and you. you go clubbing, yeah? i know you love it. no, theres nothing wrong with that. i know, your boyfriend in tokyo will never know. all you do is kissing strangers, after all. kissing doesnt mean a thing…

on. waiving and praying, the immaculate and the dirty, never say never. off.

on. radio frequencies in overcast weather, shelves full of books, step in this with me. off.

on. beautiful converted flat, all mod cons, overlooks a bay, talk to my heart baby.off.

Friends near death, you gave respect,
Sympathetic intellect,
Choices are, for one and all,
All we are is, leaves that fall.

Thats all.

Always be loving you, now im away from you,
Always be loving you.

Round and round inside your head,
Smartest fucker I ever met,
Vicious fish bit at your toes,
Made you lie and numb your soul.

Somethings gonna happen,
Something very soon,
Transcending flesh could be a breeze
Sending me over the moon.

Mule donkey ass you bore a load
Of all creations tortured souls
Choices are, for one and all,
All we are is, leaves that fall.

Like no other, i love you you’re my brother.

Water flowing and i will drink it,
I will drink for you.
A part of me left that only you knew,
Will never be understood, will never be understood.

Hey, gone to stay.
Entire lifetime flash before me,
In a loving stream.
Hey mother May, I have lost a child,
But she gave birth,
To a loving stream.

Ooh, never know. When the gods will come and
take you,
To a loving stream.
Ooh, heart of gold,
The most special things you gave me were
From your loving stream.

In a loving stream.

Fuck the magazines,
Fuck the green machine,
See the human being,
In a loving stream.

Fuck the legal greed,
Fuck the nothing scene,
See the family,
In the loving stream.